This neighbour of mine, a grandmother of teeny tiny itty bitty kids, intercepted me the other day as I stepped out to do that ghastly chore - grocery shopping. As all good mothers, mine had taught me to greet thy neighbours with a polite, "Namaste/Hello, how are you?" And so I did, knowing little of the consequences that would follow, the consequences, which for me are inconsequential, but perhaps meant the world to the person who stood in front of me.
"I'm all right. Par aap ek se do kab ho rahe ho," asked the neighbourhood auntyji. Literally translated, it means when are you becoming two from one, which means she meant to know when I was getting married. She quickly added, "Then we can come over to your house, chat with your better half."
As she said it, I began to picture her as the keeper of righteousness and virtue, acceptable social behaviour, out on a mission to convert anyone who dares defy convention, anyone who does not fall in 'their concept of the line'. Complete with a spear or a sword, and any religious text that she considers her foutainhead of bigotry. Brrr. I shook off the thought as soon as it got to the religious text.
Really? Is that all that neighbours do? Chat with your better halves? As if chatting with just you (as a single man, no family in sight) is an abomination of all kinds. Will she speak to my better half is she knew he is going to be of the same sex? I suppose not.
"No aunty, that's not happening. I am happy with my billi (cat)," I said, restraining myself from calling the cat pussy. I was surprised at the amused smile I could muster. But it seemed to have done the trick.
"Oh, you are impossible," she pshawed, rolled her eyes and muttered quick goodbyes (OK tata not been nice to meet ya and all that implied).
With this auntyji dispatched, I moved on to the chore at hand, but this conversation again brought me to this society versus you debate.
Another example that comes to mind, a very recent one at that, is when my own kin said it in as many words. The thing is, I was invited to visit Switzerland, but on one condition. That I get married and the honeymoon trip will be sponsored by them. Oh, right, I thought. You will be surprised when I do get married and bring my partner over for honeymoon. I would love to see how that goes down in their straight and narrow lives.
It's different with me, but for so many straight friends I have who do not believe getting married is the be all and end all, the questions that pop up all around them are the same. What, perhaps, is even more flustering is that when the people, who apparently should know you better, toss these questions as if they met you for the first time and had little clue of what to talk about.
Perhaps the concept of shaadi, or marriage, is so strongly ingrained today (thanks to the films, soap, commercials, fashion shows that focus on the bridal lehengas and groomal sherwanis) that getting married is considered the only logical thing to do in life. But let that decision rest with the two who wish to walk the aisle and let those, who do not, be.
I wonder when the concept of a big, fat wedding as a precursor to a happy life together started congealing in the cultural context. Your kin, your neighbours that advocate marriage are more often than not only interested to that extent. For after the wedding, they will disappear, leaving the two of you to fend for yourself, grapple with your own issues (which would have been the case even if you were single - they have the excuse that you don't have a better half with whom they can talk to and sort out your life. Not that you would want them to).
I also wonder if a slight difference in one's way of life throws the society's perception of homogeneity out of gear. Anyone who does not fit the slots created by the society must be considered odd, someone the others dare not have a conversation with, unless s/he got themselves a better half and then all seemed right with the world.
For me, I am happy not to be part of that homogenous mixture if that is all it gets you. I love the space outside the milieu, where this bunch of 'like-minded' individuals celebrates the differences we share, better halves notwithstanding.
"I'm all right. Par aap ek se do kab ho rahe ho," asked the neighbourhood auntyji. Literally translated, it means when are you becoming two from one, which means she meant to know when I was getting married. She quickly added, "Then we can come over to your house, chat with your better half."
As she said it, I began to picture her as the keeper of righteousness and virtue, acceptable social behaviour, out on a mission to convert anyone who dares defy convention, anyone who does not fall in 'their concept of the line'. Complete with a spear or a sword, and any religious text that she considers her foutainhead of bigotry. Brrr. I shook off the thought as soon as it got to the religious text.
Really? Is that all that neighbours do? Chat with your better halves? As if chatting with just you (as a single man, no family in sight) is an abomination of all kinds. Will she speak to my better half is she knew he is going to be of the same sex? I suppose not.
"No aunty, that's not happening. I am happy with my billi (cat)," I said, restraining myself from calling the cat pussy. I was surprised at the amused smile I could muster. But it seemed to have done the trick.
"Oh, you are impossible," she pshawed, rolled her eyes and muttered quick goodbyes (OK tata not been nice to meet ya and all that implied).
With this auntyji dispatched, I moved on to the chore at hand, but this conversation again brought me to this society versus you debate.
Another example that comes to mind, a very recent one at that, is when my own kin said it in as many words. The thing is, I was invited to visit Switzerland, but on one condition. That I get married and the honeymoon trip will be sponsored by them. Oh, right, I thought. You will be surprised when I do get married and bring my partner over for honeymoon. I would love to see how that goes down in their straight and narrow lives.
It's different with me, but for so many straight friends I have who do not believe getting married is the be all and end all, the questions that pop up all around them are the same. What, perhaps, is even more flustering is that when the people, who apparently should know you better, toss these questions as if they met you for the first time and had little clue of what to talk about.
Perhaps the concept of shaadi, or marriage, is so strongly ingrained today (thanks to the films, soap, commercials, fashion shows that focus on the bridal lehengas and groomal sherwanis) that getting married is considered the only logical thing to do in life. But let that decision rest with the two who wish to walk the aisle and let those, who do not, be.
I wonder when the concept of a big, fat wedding as a precursor to a happy life together started congealing in the cultural context. Your kin, your neighbours that advocate marriage are more often than not only interested to that extent. For after the wedding, they will disappear, leaving the two of you to fend for yourself, grapple with your own issues (which would have been the case even if you were single - they have the excuse that you don't have a better half with whom they can talk to and sort out your life. Not that you would want them to).
I also wonder if a slight difference in one's way of life throws the society's perception of homogeneity out of gear. Anyone who does not fit the slots created by the society must be considered odd, someone the others dare not have a conversation with, unless s/he got themselves a better half and then all seemed right with the world.
For me, I am happy not to be part of that homogenous mixture if that is all it gets you. I love the space outside the milieu, where this bunch of 'like-minded' individuals celebrates the differences we share, better halves notwithstanding.
6 comments:
LOVED this!! :)
Was laughing out loud to myself as I was reading this outdoors in a cafe and was actually clapping too, as I read it. So guess who got the odd "stay-away-from-this-strange-laowai" glances thrown her way. :)
The second more serious issue is far too ingrained. The trouble is such self-righteous people are the ones who can't seem to stay monogamous, and then blame us who choose not to fall into the marriage trap for the wrong reasons, for discordant behavior. Isn't that just the biggest irony of all??
I mean we choose to remain single, because we'd rather be that way and keep our integrity and morality intact, than be with the wrong person for the wrong reasons and yet judgment seems to fall so heavy and so quickly on us! That is what gets my goat (not that I have one, but you know the drill!) :)
I hear you. It's as if a single person must take the blame for moral turpitude of others. I also stand for the fact that we shall not be made scapegoats for those who believe they can take us for granted, and that we're single so that we can have sex with anyone and everyone who casts a glance.
Exactly. "Single" people by definition are construed "loose and easy - and ready to jump into the hay at the slightest chance". Little do they realise that on the contrary, BECAUSE we are so discerning, is why we are single!
Yes, discerning, and we don't believe in an affair just for the heck of it. There has to be a connect somewhere for it to happen.
I couldn't agree more. :) Ek se do hote hi poochenge, do se teen kabho rahe ho! :D
Lady Cardidae :) Absolutely. They will time it around 8 months after the shaadi. They only want to hear the 'good news', so they can start another round free advice camps :D
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